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Dejuiced! Makes Arbitrary, Uninformed Predictions

by Albert Bianchi on September 15th, 2006

Ah, Separation Saturday. What a glorious alliteration of a fabricated event. Seven games with two top twenty-five teams facing each other. Top twenty-five teams based on two weeks of football. There will be disappointments, don’t you worry. Teams will be exposed as frauds. But thats no bold prediction, that’s just the nature of college football. You say you’d like some bold predictions? How ’bout predictions based off basically nothing?

(11) Michigan @ (2) Notre Dame - The teams represented by the two best fight songs face each other. John Philip Sousa, the March King, was a Freemason. Freemasons are excommunicated from the Catholic Church. Doesn’t look good for Notre Dame. Michigan wins…and probably secretly runs the world or something.

(6) LSU @ (3) Auburn - Alabama Usually Beats Us RedNecks. LSU is not Alabama. Auburn pulls out the victory.

(19) Nebraska @ (4) Southern Cal - Nebraska players may be violent criminals, but USC players are getting PAID. Paid damn well too. They must be good, I bet they win.

(7) Florida @ (13) Tennessee - Florida apparently was an album by Diplo. “Tennessee” is a classic hip-hop song by Arrested Development. Who the fuck is Diplo? The Gators fall to the Vols.

(17) Miami FL @ (12) Louisville - Louisville is in Kentucky. That’s enough for me. The Seventh Floor Crew rides again.

(15) Oklahoma @ (18) Oregon - A Sooner is technically, a cheater. Cheaters never prosper. Oregon wins, and does so in a noble fashion.

(24) Texas Tech @ (20) TCU - Who the hell cares?

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