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Dejuiced! Sports News with No Boundaries

Archive for August 2007

August 28th, 2007

When Steroids Isn’t News

Yahoo! Sports investigated and broke the Reggie Bush story. (Remember, he was in trouble with the NCAA, or something. USC never got in trouble, which is a shame. I think they were going to take his Heisman, but never got around to it.) Well, Yahoo! Sports is at it again, with another exclusive. This time […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 2 comments

August 28th, 2007

Actual Meaning Translator: Retard Edition

Brett Myers is in trouble, but considering he didn’t hit his wife this time it’s less trouble than usual. In case you missed the back story, Myers gave up two ninth inning home runs while blowing a save against the Mets on Saturday. In the ensuing press conference, he referred the the homers as pop-ups. […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 28th, 2007

Nolan Richardson Exists In His Own Private, Cheesy Sports Movie

The United States beat Mexico by 27 in some international basketball game that was in no way affiliated with the Olympics. This is not news. The only reason I mention it is because only after America beat Mexico by 27 points did I become aware that Team Mexico is coached by Nolan Richardson. Yes, the […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 28th, 2007

Quick Hits: Three Outs! One Play! Hell Yeah!

Yankees lose 16-0. Mike Mussina didn’t pitch particularly well.
Indians win, turn triple-play. A triple-freaking-play!
Chase Utley returns to M-V-P chants, RBI. Chase Utley is like the anti-Pat Burrell.
The Astros fire the people running the Astros. Because the Astros suck.
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By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 27th, 2007

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, P, S, U, Start

Joe Paterno — as one would expect — is on the cutting edge of technology. Not only does his offense feature the “forward pass,” but his “quarterbacks” are learning their offense using a Playstation 3.
“The good thing is nobody’s ever late for our (meetings) — not that they’re ever late — but they’re all […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 27th, 2007

Quick Hits: Big People Baseball

Tigers 5, Yankees 4 - Bobby Seay gets his first win in six years as the Tigers bullpen throws almost 8 innings in relief after Jair Jurrjens injurrjed jimself.
Red Sox 11, White Sox 1 - The Red Sox outscored their bleached counterparts 46-7 over the four-game sweep. This is mainly attributed to the fact that […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 21st, 2007

Actual Meaning Translator: Charlie Weis Edition

Jimmy Clausen is way ahead of schedule. It took a couple years before Brady Quinn became a complete joke. Clausen was a complete joke as he was being recruited. Clausen stayed right on track by being cited for the police for waiting outside a liquor store while a 23-year-old cohort bought booze inside — which […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 1 comment

August 21st, 2007

Quick Hits: Trent Green, Lemon-aid

Trent Green wins Dolphins starting job, shot at debilitating concussions. Cleo Lemon continues to be a fantastically named backup.
ESPN runs stock headline: Bears take control in 2nd half, overcome Grossman mistakes in win.
Raiders trade draft pick to Broncos for Gerard Warren. Because it’s not like the Raiders need draft picks.
A-Rod hits 40th homerun, but Yankees […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 18th, 2007

Actual Meaning Translator: NBA Refs Union

In response to reports that Sopranos character Tim Donaghy will name 20 gambling colleagues, the NBA referees union has released this statement.
“This incident is an isolated incident and our folks are of the highest integrity and character and we’re open to sitting down with the NBA to discuss measures that help make sure that the […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 1 comment

August 18th, 2007

Hockey’s Desperate Plea For Attention

 
Excuse me, American sports fan. How are you? Do you remember me? I’m hockey. Yes, the one on the ice. We had some great times in the 90s, didn’t we? The Rangers won the Stanley Cup, remember how excited Messier was? Those were really awesome times. And the Red Wings - Avalanche […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 1 comment

August 3rd, 2007

Quick Hits: I Call Her Gamblor!

Casino rejects suspicious tennis bets. Suspicious, because there were bets on tennis.
Browns tackle Ryan Tucker suspended for violating NFL steroid policy.  Somehow, an NFL offensive lineman testing positive just doesn’t have the sex appeal of Barry Bonds allegations.
Holyfield to get heavyweight title shot in Moscow.  No one would ever let Holyfield fight again in America, […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 1st, 2007

News From The Inevitable Future: 2008 Tour de France

 
France, 2008 - Frenchman Pierre Boulanger has been declared the winner of the 2008 Tour de France following the stage one disqualification of every single competitor. Boulanger is the first Frenchman to win the Tour since 1985. Boulanger was biking to his home in Brest when he was spotted by Tour officials. Needing a winner […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 1st, 2007

Actual Meaning Translator: Johan Santana Edition

The Twins are only six games out in the uber-competitive AL Central. They’re only five back in the Wild Card. Certainly, they were within striking distance — or within striking distance of striking distance. A “win-now” trade wouldn’t have been unexpected, but they honestly aren’t in a position to make a run at the Tigers […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 1st, 2007

Quick Hits: Goodness, Glavine’s got to get to 300 sometime, doesn’t he?

Mets bullpen blows lead and Tom Glavine’s 300th win. The previous sentence could  be just three words long and still be right.
 Yanks hit eight home runs in win over White Sox. They may still be seven games back from the Red Sox, and won’t likely catch them, but they’re closing in on the Wild Card.
Celtics, […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

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