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Dejuiced! Sports News with No Boundaries

Archive for April 2007

April 25th, 2007

For Those of You Who Like Your Loudmouth Wideout Commentator Crack-Free

ESPN has announced that Keyshawn Johnson will be taking over as Tom Jackson’s biggest source of shame at this year’s NFL draft, a position left wide open since “retard” Mike Irvin was given his walking papers. Keyshawn will be providing insight about being a number one pick, in so much as he knows what it’s […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 1 comment

April 25th, 2007

This is What Happens When You Build a Team For One Last Championship, Shaq

You win that one last championship, then you’re an also-ran. Congratulations, Heat, on not mattering anymore.
Have fun squandering the next (and last) 5 years of Dwyane Wade’s NBA career.
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By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

April 23rd, 2007

Just Imagine the Happy Endings

Welcome to the post-Barbaro era, fans. That more-god-than-horse really showed us how the noble equine was meant to be treated: royally. (And for the love of God, keep Harry Potter away from that horse!) They’re better than us, and deserve likewise. In that vein, I introduce you to Cindy McVey, Equine Sports Massage Therapist. Yes, horses are now […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

April 23rd, 2007

NBA Upsets: Of Braids and Beards

The NBA playoffs are apparently going to get exciting earlier than planned. This is a surprise. I was perfectly content to sit back and wait for the Mavs, Suns, Spurs clusterfuck of contention, but this — this is something completely different. The Mavericks, team of 67 wins, fell to former Mav coach Don Nelson and […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

April 20th, 2007

A Special Post from Calvin Johnson on 4/20

Have you ever really looked at your hands? I mean, really looked at your hands? They’re freaking awesome. Everybody always says “Calvin Johnson has great hands.” I never thought about it, but I do. I mean, look at them. They’re so awesome. Man, my fingers are so weird. But, you know, a good weird. Like, I […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 1 comment

April 12th, 2007

Then Why Even Have The Olympics In China?

As you may already know, internet denizen, English translations of Chinese can be quite hilarious. I mean really hilarious. Knee-slapping hilarious. These glorious failures of communication are commonly called Engrish or Chinglish. (Apparently, Engrish is from Japan, Chinglish from China. I really doubt there was a need to differentiate between the two.) Go ahead, look […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

April 11th, 2007

Today’s News You Thought Happened Months Ago

The charges in the Duke Lacrosse case are set to be dropped. See, I thought they did that when the accusations were shown to be complete fabrications. But I guess that’s just naive of me to assume that when charges are shown to be false, they’re usually dropped. At least that’s how it works on […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

April 10th, 2007

Radio of the Absurd

Photo Source: Newsday.com
I’m going to be honest. At first, I didn’t think that this Don Imus “Nappy-Haired Hos” thing was a big deal. Not because Nappy-Haired Hos (Ho’s, Hoes, ‘ho’s?) is particularly unoffensive or true, but because it’s Don Imus. Imus in the morning is the curmudgeon show. It’s what it would be like if […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

April 10th, 2007

Michigan State Wins NCAA Hockey Championship

Hey, guess what? Fuck MSU and fuck college hockey.
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By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

April 5th, 2007

Finishing Up Today’s Horror Motif with the Scariest Thing Yet

The NBA playoffs will be Agent Zero-less. Today has sucked so far. Luckily the Office returns.
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By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

April 5th, 2007

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! GOD NO!
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By Albert Bianchi -- 1 comment

April 5th, 2007

Bleed, Soccer Fan, Bleed!

Don’t fuck with the eternal city, Mick!
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By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

April 4th, 2007

Are You Willing To Ignore Steroids Until All Records Are Meaningless? You Too Could Make $14.5 Million a Year!

According to recently leaked MLB tax forms, Bud Selig was paid [outdated Dr. Evil impression] 14.5 million dollars [/outdated Dr. Evil impression] in 2005. That makes me extremely sad. His base salary was $6 million, so that means he “earned” $8.5 mil in bonuses. That makes me even sadder. What makes me the saddest? My […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

April 4th, 2007

Dana Altman Gets His Hamlet On

Two days ago, Dana Altman was the head men’s basketball coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks. Three days previously he was the coach at Creighton. He’s the coach at Creighton again today. Presumably, he just noticed the “Ar” in front of Kansas and had some second thoughts. (Those two little letters change the nature of the […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

April 3rd, 2007

My Grandpa Would Make them Play with Broomsticks

In a move that will someday surely lead to a presidential nomination, current New York mayor Michael Bloomberg says he’ll veto a bill banning metal bats from New York high school baseball. It just wouldn’t be spring for Mayor Bloomberg without that ping of the bat. (Actually, he just thinks that it’s not “the city’s […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

April 3rd, 2007

Alex Rodriguez’s Bi-Polar Day

Polite, encouraging applause
[error]
BOOO!
[strikeout]
BOOOO!
[groundout]
grumbled curses
[fly out]
louder curses
[single]
polite applause
[run scored]
GIAMBINO!
[homerun]
Eruption of cheers
[curtain call]
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By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

April 3rd, 2007

Opening Day 1, NCAA Tournament 0

I didn’t watch much of the NCAA Championship game. It was a re-run. Ohio State never beats Florida. I get it already. Joakim Noah annoys me, Thad Matta is ugly. No surprises there. Unless they were going to release Greg Oden’s birth certificate, it wasn’t worth watching. Thus, I didn’t.
Now opening day, now that was […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

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