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Dejuiced! Sports News with No Boundaries

Archive for August 2006

August 20th, 2006

Tiger Woods Bores with Another Fantastic Performance

Tiger Woods won another major. Great. Once again, Tiger pulled away from the field on Sunday, creating another major victory completely devoid of any drama whatsoever. Another dominating performance. Sports writers will search their Thesauruses to find synonyms for great to describe Woods. Some creative souls may even make up their own words. The laziest of the […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 1 comment

August 20th, 2006

Fake Teen Journalist Busted, Invited for Guest Stint on Around the Horn

A teenage Mets fan forged NBC press credentials in order to get into the locker room at Shea Stadium and interview his favorite players. Authorities became suspicious when he asked sensible questions in a normal tone without trying to instigate controversy. The fan, Ryan Leli has been charged with impersonating a journalist. I had no idea such a charge […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 20th, 2006

The Hangover

Next time remember: beer before liquor you’ve never been sicker.
Yankees 13, Red Sox 5 - Here’s how you deal with Big Papi, clutch doesn’t exist in blow-outs.
Phillies 11, Nationals 2 - People may have forgot about Cole Hamels after his poor start, but he’s been lights out lately.
Broncos 35, Titans 10 - Mike Bell appears […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 19th, 2006

NASCAR Lawsuit Reads Like Divorce Proceedings

Jeremy Mayfield, former driver of the #19 car, says his split with owner Ray Evernham occured because Ray didn’t pay enough attention to him. Mayfield claims Evernham was distracted by the lovely Erin Crocker, a developmental driver in the lower levels of stock car racing.
“For all intents and purposes, Ray has been an absentee owner/manager […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 2 comments

August 19th, 2006

A Post of Inevitability

Former media darling and current pariah Marion Jones has officially tested positive for EPO, an endurance booster. And you really need a lot of endurance when you’re going for 5 gold medals! A positive B test is all that’s needed to confirm what we already knew anyways: Marion wasn’t all-natural. When your former coach, your […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 19th, 2006

The Hangover

Ok, heres the deal, I have a hangover, who knows what that means? Doesn’t that mean you’re drunk? No, it means I was drunk yesterday.  
USA 111, Puerto Rico 100 - America wins the coveted Treaty of Paris (1898) Cup.
Yankees 12, Red Sox 4; Yankees 14, Red Sox 11 - The Red Sox hosted a […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 18th, 2006

Retirement

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

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By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 18th, 2006

Real American Meta-Heroes

Remember when Budweiser’s “Real Men of Genius” campaign was “Real American Heroes?” Some Cadets at West Point resurrected on of the early radio spots, added some pictures of Midshipmen male cheerleaders and created a video of tremendous comedic trash-talk.

Now, I’m all for mocking male cheerleaders. They’re one of the few easy targets where one […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 3 comments

August 18th, 2006

Why Slate Sports Can’t Be Trusted

I generally enjoy Slate, even their sports coverage. But in the recent article about the resurgance of the Detroit Tigers, something didn’t quite sit right with me. Stephen Rodrick spends most of the article describing his love for the Tigers. In the first sentence he calls them “my Detroit Tigers.” He says he’s “fond” of […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 18th, 2006

Chicago Bears Desperately Trying to Increase Terrorist Attendance Figures

Tonight’s preseason contest between the Bears and the Chargers at Soldier Field will be “frisk-free,” which could possibly be the worst promotion in sports history.

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By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 18th, 2006

The Annual Made-Up Productivity Losses Caused by Sports Study is Out

Fantasy Football is costing the American workplace $1.1 billion in lost productivity, according to recent study, ranking it among the top time-wasters. (Online poker and E-bay were the other distraction leaders.) If we really wanted to jump-start the economy, we just need a nation-wide ban on fantasy sports. Because if there wasn’t fantasy football, I’m […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 1 comment

August 18th, 2006

The Hangover

I ate a big red candle.
Orioles 12, Yankees 2 - “Hopefully we got the stinker out of our system.” - Joe Torre. May I recommend FiberSure.
Tigers 4, Rangers 2 - My Tiger is Craig Monroe, in case you were wondering.
Cardinals 2, Reds 1 - Cardinals extend Central lead and, most surprisingly, Jeff Weaver looks like a […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 17th, 2006

Clarett Saga Turning Into Sopranos Story Arc

Rappers and Jewish mobsters are the latest additions to the Maurice Clarett story, which is getting consistently sadder and weirder. The latest news speculates that Mo was stocked so heavily because he feared reprisal from Hai Waknine, a member of The Jerusalem Group whom Clarett met through a mutual rapping friend.

 Hai Waknine became Clarett’s de facto […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 1 comment

August 17th, 2006

Now It’s Time for the Easiest Part of Any Coach’s Job

The cuts.
Although I wasn’t able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a
lot of you. Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janey, you’re gone. Steven, I
like your hussle. Thats why it was so hard to cut you. Congratulations, the rest of you made the team!…Except you, you and you.
Coach K made his final […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments

August 17th, 2006

Tom Brady on the Steroid Fringe

Apparently, Tom Brady’s name has been mentioned by Barry Bonds’ former trainer, Greg Anderson. In today’s post-BALCO world, that’s just enough to warrant suspicion.
 
That picture is enough to quell them.

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By Albert Bianchi -- 3 comments

August 17th, 2006

Artest Defends Palace Actions, Coldcocks Child for Smudging His Pumas

Ron Artest is back in Detroit performing community service as per his sentencing following the 2004 Brawl at the Palace. Naturally, community service in Detroit means speaking to a group of children about black empowerment at the Judge Mathis Community Center. (Yes, that Judge Mathis.) And what sage advice did the Tru Warier give the youngsters concerning the […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 1 comment

August 17th, 2006

The Hangover

Have a cup of coffee and a couple of aspirin, time to recover from last nite.
Red Sox 6, Tigers 4 - Boston avoids the sweep and viewers are treated to the hilarious sight of Big Papi hustling in from third on a sac fly. (Oh, and Ortiz hit another home-run.)
Royals 10, White Sox 4 - Contreras gets roughed […]

By Albert Bianchi -- 0 comments