“Hey coach! Wake up! It’s football season. Yes we actually have to play games now. I know you won the off-season. You have some great athletes. No, I’m sure the fans haven’t figured out you don’t actually know anything about football. You’ll be fine. As long as you beat the teams you’re supposed to. They […]
Cal quarterback Joe Ayoob (Booya backwards) lost the starting job on the #9 ranked Bears to Nate Longshore (Erohsgnol backwards). Joe Ayoob was the only thing that made sense to Stuart Scott. Now what will he do?
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Hey you, Mr. Successful Alumnus. Do you realize what time of year it is? Our football program doesn’t run on good intentions or happy thoughts. We need some cash, cold hard cash. Our players don’t have nearly enough plasma screens. No, not for film study, for BET and MTV. They want to see Rihanna as […]
Yankees 2, Tigers 0 - Chien-Ming Wang continues to pitch masterfully, inspire immature chuckles.
Tigers 5, Yankees 2 - You will not hear about how clutch Craig Monroe has been, but you will hear about David Ortiz’s bowel movements.
Astros 1, Brewers 0 - One run is actually a lot more run support than Clemens usually gets.
Pirates […]
Anthony Schlegel, AJ Hawk and Bobby Carpenter are the newest breakfast cereal mascots, as their scowling visages will grace boxes of “Buckey Heroes,” the newest crap that idiots in Columbus will buy because it’s red and has an O on it. The cereal seems like it’s basically Cheerios, as it is simply cereal in the […]
Topic: How everyone knew that JP Losman would eventually win the Bills starting QB Job.
Speaker: Backup Craig Nall
Quote:
“I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.”
Craig Nall, you just blew my mind.
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The NBC ad wizards strike again, as Pink is named the artist they have selected to sing the theme for their Sunday Night Football telecasts. I’ve been trying to come up with any way anyone could possibly think this was a good idea. There are none. I mean, Pink has no football affiliation, isn’t talented, […]
You’re welcome. More terrific insight awaits. But first, a rambling introduction!
It doesn’t matter what the calendar says, in one day it will be fall. There will be two squads of eleven playing with the skin of a pig, or a synthetic proximity thereof. That means for all you gladiators of the gridiron, it’s time that […]
U.S.A. 85, Germany 65 - Absolutely no one was compared to Hitler during this game, although Krzyzewski was completely begging for it.
Braves 13, Giants 8 - Barry Bonds homers twice; Sportscenter shows the clip repeatedly.
Trolley-Dodgers 6, Reds 5 (16 Innings) - The Reds cede the wild-card lead with the extra-inning loss. Watch out for those […]
Dude, Thursday! That’s two days away! I don’t believe you are quite ready for some football. I mean, have you stocked up on the non-toxic paint. It better be the kind that washes off with soap and water. Make sure the keg is ordered, you can’t have any sort of beer-related shortages come tailgate time. […]
He overslept.
Poor guy, he was going to spend that $9,500 he was fined on an alarm clock. It’s a vicious cycle.
(Also, I dare you to do an image search for yawn and not yawn yourself.)
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Coach Hal Mumme of NM St. is being sued by the ACLU on behalf of three of his former players, all Muslim, who claim their dismissal was based purely on religious prosecution. The suit states that Mumme was trying to create a “religious brotherhood,” and apparently this brotherhood wasn’t non-denominational. The team recited the Lord’s […]
Bengals 48, Packers 17 - Carson Palmer’s knee miraculously stays in one piece, Brett Favre in midseason form with a interception and a fumble.
Mariners 2, Angels 0 - Felix Hernandez lives up to his regal nickname for a game here, a game there. This was one of those games that was there, as he pitched […]
His long personal nightmare is finally over. Jeff George is once again employed by the National Football League.
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In fact, it is upon us even more. Only three days remain until those beer-swilling youth of ours put on matching colored shirts and are led in cheers which may or may not include such phrases as sis-boom-bah. Rah! Nothing says America like morning drinking on a fall day. The tailgating experience is fairly unique […]
“As a footballer, if you’re prone to injury it can mean the end of your career, so having your stem cells - a repair kit if you like - on hand makes sense.”
The anonymous player then added “Bwahahahahaha” as lightning struck ominously in the background. You see, the most recent trend for soccer players across […]
You’re not the only one who thought of the diminutive singer instead of the racket company when you read that headline, so don’t be ashamed.
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Written by for b5media.
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